kayluvv

i ask for nothing and that really is what i get. so is this me complaining about getting what i want? no not at all actually. i was misunderstood by whatever is in charge of relationship building. by nothing i mean nothing but love. i'll give everything and be satisfied with only love. is that really such a complicated request? every time i think about giving up i remember love is all i'm here for sooooooo, i won't give up.

the one weakness i have has such a tight grip on my heart. freedom is out of the question. i don't want it anyway.

seeing you at a restaurant or the grocery store is something i expect will never happen, considering the circumstances. why is it that i always still get my attitude and appearance ready for that impossible run in. the thought is extremely satisfying. i imagine what face i'd make, if i'd have to sit down, if i' d say anything at all or just ignore you... i have a love/hate relationship with my brain.

"but you're still so young, you have plenty of time for all that" i get it but i disagree..

what am i supposed to be waiting for? what's the age requirement for settling and starting a family? the only problem is finding a partner that agrees with me, i don't know how long i want to wait for that.

my mother was pregnant with my little brother when she was my age. maybe she got lucky but something's right with them, they're too happy with each other to be considered human these days. i wish we all had it so easy.


...i just read all these entries for the first time in months, am i really this sad? i think i'm fine...

oh and the "10 things i need to survive 2009" ..i got all but 3, 4, & 7 (there's still time...)

the only one i do have called me ugly yesterday.
coool.

sorry mags, i know it's not the entry you were looking forward to but i'm tired and sad. maybe later.

...in a fancy theater in a ridiculously fancy costume in the middle of my least favorite city in the state of Connecticut. why am i working here? it's easy, they like me, the vest makes me feel important. and of course, unlimited movies. if you're ever in downtown new haven and you aren't buying or selling drugs, please come visit. my favorite "post" at work is box office on slow nights. not only do i get to sit all night, there's a ton of stuff on this desk to play with. also, i get to make the 1st impression - i hate when there's an asshole in box office cuz then the peeps come to concession all pissed off. it's 7:58PM, i've got about 3 1/2 more hours until i can take my time walking to my car in the temple street garage. my car, my favorite place to be these days. i was tired of being in it for a while but i've come to realize that's the only time i am really alone. no lie. everyone here is always complaining about the corporate playlist which has to be playing here at all times that consists of about 50 different smooth jazz songs. honestly, i wouldn't have it any other way.

being here makes me think of summer, last summer. walking home 4 blocks at 2 AM. the cats' welcome home greetings were priceless. i loved the warm nights and how comfortable our room was after the air conditioner had been running all day. there was only one A/C in our apartment - thankfully in our room. it was the most disgusting looking machine but definitely the most powerful i've ever had. held together by mostly duct tape, i used to stand on a chair to reach the knobs. the obnoxiously loud humming chilled the room almost instantly and put me to sleep in a matter of seconds. when i think of our apartment i think of how much i loved and miss everything in it, it's so easy to love inanimate objects around you when you're so busy hating the humans around you. i absolutely can not wait to start fresh, preferably somewhere always warm so that an A/C is a necessity.

so i get the bluetooth earpiece thing while driving/exercising/changing diapers...but when you're just walking around a lobby in circles, you really just look like a crazy person. the nicest old woman in the world just came to see a movie alone. it made me so sad. i'm disgusted by my own high standards. i'll never fall in love.

I think too much for my own good. I should know better by now. My brain is retarded sometimes. My school has caused me to really notice how disgustingly negative the people around me are. Grow up, you're alive, smile... Take your bitchin' elsewhere because I don't give a fuck, I'm lookin' out for #1.

I called criterion today, they need help. Finally. I didn't know how much longer I could make this last. Working is more of an excuse to have more time away from this house. I love bugbird but I can't take this house anymore. I'll be finished with school in 4 months, I'm going far from here.

There's a select few out there that have my love. Rare affection from me doesn't go unnoticed so you know who you are...thank you for being there when all I needed was the slightest hint of support.


Dial my number, conversations have been known to take place.

the devil is coming to get his things out of my basement on monday. and it's a lot of shit, which means, a lot of time. a lot of time that i really don't want him here. when he's in my life, i'm scared. i can't talk to him without wondering whether or not someone will come after me for something. because of all the bad things he brought into my life, i opt to try to avoid him all together. no matter how many times he said i was, i was definitely not safe with him, i was just extremely lucky, and should've gotten out before it got as bad as it did. it's hard for me to be 100% comfortable and feel 100% safe even with my family. but it is getting easier with time. i just want to be far from where i am now. i'm exhausted but afraid that if i close my eyes, i won't wake up for days. can someone hit fast-forward please.

on a brighter note, the weather is beautiful and i had a huge smile on my face when i pulled into my driveway because i realized it's saturday and i don't have school again until tuesday.

"If you won the lottery, what would you do with your newfound riches?"

i could name about 100 things right now that i want but this question brings a lot more to the table than silly unnecessary objects. i know that i am only 20 and i am still so young but i'm always thinking about children and when or if it will ever happen. i know that i want one/some but i refuse to consider that until a) i find a decent person to impregnate me, b) i'm financially stable. i worry too much about myself now to even imagine what life would be like with a child. therefore, if i won the lottery i'd have/adopt a fuckin baby and spoil the shit out of it.

anybody wanna be a dad?

ps. call me, i can be good verbal company.

i thought about this maybe too long before making a decision...the question took me back 9 months to may 2008. i was flat on my back on a bathroom floor in a little apartment. the shower was running to distract the stranger living with me. the sun was coming through the window and onto my face. it was hot. spring in elm city last year was intense. i was staring at the ceiling but could see nothing. my eyes had been leaking tears the last couple hours which made everything those months a constant blur. even if my eyes had been clear that day, too much was happening in my head to see straight anyway. i'm not sure if it's because i just don't want to, but i can't remember what thoughts brought me to my sudden decision to go to school. with the current situation, school was the last thing that shouldve happened. the thought was so exciting to me, i didn't even think twice. if you know me, you know that once i set my heart on something, that's all there is to it. i stayed there until the sun went down and the shower water got cold. it was the best decision i ever made. would i be alive otherwise?

watching things like the secret and what the bleep do we know is beneficial to my life, personally. but makes me rebellious in other areas. school, working, fighting, money...when you're thinking of the law of attraction and quantum physics, everything else seems useless and in the way...all that matters is what you want and how it's going to happen. and i believe that. how can anyone say they are in love with a specific person? for example, they are only in love with the anticipation of the emotions they are addicted to, because the same person could fall out of favor the next week by not complying, doesn't that change the landscape of our emotional outlook of our personal needs and identities.

"what's going on with you guys? i feel like i'm dealing with 5 year olds..."

that's what my dad said to me and margaret yesterday, he was actually mad but we couldn't stop laughing. i think that made them more mad. we put food coloring in the milk and turned it green. we thought it was hilarious but apparently no one else did. that's just one of the many stupid little things we do around here these days...along with turning the water bottles different colors, the orange juice brown, making my room into a fort, dressing up like idiots, laughing until all hours of the night...we're just having fun. we've come to the conclusion that everyone else in the house is just jealous that we've become such good friends. we laugh about almost everything and we're always together. they just feel left out, my parents think we're "being disrespectful" and laughing at them. they got it all wrong. just think about the best times you've ever had with the best friend you've ever had, multiply that by 10. that's what this is like. not that i get "grounded" anymore, but if for some reason that was still a threat, it wouldn't matter. i'd be lost without her. love you bugbird.

sleeping alone is painfully monotonous and boring. it's not exactly sexual, i just miss sleeping next to someone in general. i can't even imagine trying to fall asleep these days without music or something to keep my mind distracted. i'm lying in bed right now and ripley is asleep on my chest. that's been her favorite spot to fall asleep since she was 8 weeks old. agreene, you'll prolly read this and you know what i'm sayin'.

so would anyone like to have a sleepover?

i've been so caught up in twilight, harry potter, and tenacious d that i forgot all about my real favorite movie of all time. i got really sad that i forgot but really excited that i remembered. and then really sad again cuz it's long gone with all the rest of my movies. (maggie, this isn't a cue to get it for me, i mean..unless you want to.)

1) True Romance. Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Dennis Hopper, Val Kilmer, Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt, and Christopher fucking Walken. what more could you ask for?! your life isn't complete until you experience this movie. seriously, when my sister get's home i'm begging her for money and going to find it somewhere. i need that in my life right now. i'm buggin'.



2) another kitten. i love Ripley more than anything but it wouldn't hurt to have another.
3) a finished tattoo. i've been walking around with an outline on my right arm for 14 months. time to get serious.
4) a man. enough said.
5) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. can it be july now!
6) a job. not having money sucks. this is the most important one. it's going to make the rest of the list possible. except for maybe #4
7) a camera. i miss having one.
8) victoria's secret Basic Instinct discontinued body lotion. i'm totally out of that shit. 
9) a vacation. preferably to some island or anywhere in europe.
10) wind shield wipers. yeah, i kinda need that shit.


if my future husband is reading this, is it cool if the middle name of our first born is Amadeus?

today is the 27th, i haven't been in school since the 18th. i think i've left the house....3 times? it feels weird to think that but i'm totally content. i have absolutely no problem being here all day every day. a month ago, this is the last place i'd want to be. i'd have paid for company. for some currently unknown reason, i love it here right now. i feel i owe it to my family to be around. i've unintentionally avoided them the last 2 years and i feel like shit. as much as they joke, i know they're happier when i'm here.

today we went to nonnewauk highschool in woodbury to watch my brothers wrestle. the route tomtom chose, took us right through downtown new haven. i don't think about new haven because i've trained my brain not to. when i'm here, it's the last thing that's ever on my mind. but actually being there brings back so many thoughts and memories that i had hoped were gone. unfortunately, they were only buried.
i miss being able to walk everywhere.
i miss having an apartment.
i dont miss the drugs.
i dont miss the bills.
i dont miss crying.
i dont miss ryan.
i dont miss being empty.
it's hard to be in new haven and not think about all those things at once. my stomach was upset all day.

so i'm sure i don't have a large livejournal fan base, but i discovered today that maggie is my #1 fan because i came home to a copy of Tenacious D and The Pick of Destiny under my christmas tree. If you recall, 7 posts ago, i talked about how much i love that movie and how much i missed it. it's hard to explain but for a short while it made me laugh when nothing else could. i can't even think of how to explain how i feel right now. i wasn't even expecting anyone to read that, but someone did and made it happen. it's absolutely amazing. i love maggie so much and now i owe her a kiss on the lips. j-lo says her luv don't cost a thing, but mine does. a movie.

i've been unusually happy lately so, as sad as it is, i've had nothing to write about. for maggie's sake, i'll think of something to write about. the best thing that has happened since my last post is that i finally have an official bedroom again. not a closet, or couch, or basement, or sister's room...a bedroom. a bedroom is the one place someone can go to be mad or sad or calm or sleep comfortably or just escape in general. i haven't had my own, decorated, comfortable, kayla-fied bedroom since i was in canada. i try not to even count new haven so it's been over a year. now when people come over i can be like "hey, wanna see my room?" instead of "i don't really have a room...?" that sucked. the only thing it's missing is my comforter. it sounds silly but it's hard to sleep without it. i try my hardest to avoid the person who has it and it makes me sick.

because of my newly appointed bedroom, i've been making many trips to and from the basement bringing remnants of kayla to my room. posters, books, records, art supplies, clothes, lamps, and all the useless shit that comes with me.

yay!

why do ex-lovers always try to storm back into your life when you least expect it. 2 weeks ago, 2 things: don't think about him, definitely don't talk to him. now both is happening, can he just go away. of course, things that need to be said are being said. but i just want to ignore it until all trace of the relationship ever happening has disappeared from my mind. as the conversation painfully drags on i try to constantly remind myself of all the bad things...in hopes to not feel remorse as he tells me all the things that are good now. erasing people is not as easy as i wished it was. the very tiny part of our relationship that was love, was incredibly real for a short time. that's all i miss, but it is not something that can't be had with someone else. can that person hurry?

i love mountains and i love the ocean. mountains give me this weird sense of security...like, "what's up, there's mountains around me, you can't get me." but there's nothing more beautiful than the ocean. i would have to say that the ocean means a little more to me than mountains though. i spent every summer until i was 16 on the beach in Destin, FL. it was my second home. Destin is where the Manuel children go every summer. Meme's house. the most care-free, rule-less, warm, welcoming place on the planet.
In conclusion, i would never actually live in florida because most people there are crazy, and i would never live anywhere like the rocky mountains because...well most people there are crazy. let's face it, i'm not even sure how much longer i will be in this country, so i've made my decision. this is the only place i've ever been that actually made me feel so good inside that i felt if i left i'd lose it forever, but it's still there waiting for me. Cinque Terra, Italy...mountains, ocean. win, win.




basically, i won't date anyone until they've agreed to live here someday with me. if you're not willing to pack up and move to italy, i don't want you.

i was explaining to someone today about how Tenacious D and the pick of destiny has such an intense place in my heart, i can't stop thinking about it. so if anyone has it can they please come to my house and put it in my dvd player so i can see it again. i haven't watched it in like 6 months, it has since then been sold to fye for a 10 minute high. how unfair is that? that movie is capable of providing me with years of happiness, and it was taken from me and sold for something that brought a false sense of happiness for only a few minutes. i just started writing something that was written in my journal from may of this year but realized part-way through that it contains a lot of personal information, not only about me, but about ryan as well and i didn't feel that it was fair to be posting so much information about him online.


as much as i love school, not having to wake up early in the morning is an amazing feeling. although, my body still can't help but wake up at 7. i really want someone to call me at like 2am and say that they want to hang out.

i want to write something, my mind is empty. which is almost a relief.

when all else fails, talk about boys. a major reason i'm not with who i have been with the last 2 years anymore is because i can not see him fathering my future children. i've had a game plan my whole life and i'm already falling behind. the thought of finding a man, a decent one, that is right for me, is annoying, am i too lazy to look? i shouldn't physically look anyway, it will happen. thinking about love in general seems like a hassal, too time consuming. but of course, when it happens it's like a tornado that picks everything up in your life and drops it back down and suddenly all your plans are changed and you don't question it. i've done so many things while in love that i would never do otherwise. pointless things, annoying things.

maggie's here, i love her.

i just went upstairs to take a bath...a bath. like with bubbles. i think i take a bath like once every 6 months, when i remember that they are an option as well. my positive expectations of an obnoxious amount of bubbles was quickly destroyed when the water refused to get warm. i waited, nothing. i suppose i could go try now but i'm over it. everyone is asleep but it is still so loud in this house...the washing machine, the rain, that weird unexplainable ringing that's always heard when you're alone...people forget what it's like to really be in silence, i would probably like it.

i had school today. nothing makes me happier than school does. i never thought i'd say anything that sounds as crazy as that does. who could ask for anything more than paul mitchell culture? the second you walk into those doors, your bullshit doesn't matter. people say nice things to you and in return you say nice things to them. i have made more sisters than friends there. i'd be such a piece of shit if i hadn't started school. not only does being there make me extremely happy, but it's my career. i'm finally going somewhere with this life and that makes me so excited.

now if only i could find someone to impregnate me...